“I am feeling_____ because/and I need ______.”
“Are you feeling _______because you need_____?”
These two really simple statements can be game changers when trying to navigate difficult conversations with people we care about at home or at work.
If you find yourself stuck in a moment of frustration that you’re not being understood, or concerned or confused about what is challenging another, take a moment to check in to feelings and needs.
Checking in to feelings and needs is a great way to practice self-compassion, or to develop compassion or empathy for another.
For example, when everything feels a bit much taking a deep breath and checking in might bring about a realisation that you’re feeling overwhelmed and need support to prioritise tasks or delegate to others. Making a statement like, ‘I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need some support right now’ can open up opportunities for you to meet your own needs, or for another person to help you work through the challenging situation.
If you’re unsure of why someone you love is giving you the ‘cold shoulder’ or seems withdrawn, check in to what’s been happening recently and have a guess as to what they’re feeling or needing. Reaching out with a statement like, ‘Are you feeling irritated and need understanding right now? Would you like to talk about it?’ might just be the door opener they need to open up and talk about what’s really happening behind their behaviour. If they do open up, try to be present and listen to what they’ve got to say and validate without judgement.
These statements are embedded within the teachings of Nonviolent communication (NVC) and personal effectiveness training. Learning NVC was a game changer for me at home and at work, and often informs the work that we do in the counselling room. You can learn more about NVC and Effective Communication at any of the links below:
